


One step forward, three steps back

by Iplaydead



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Loki, Eventual Smut, F/M, Flashbacks, Good Loki, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki Redemption, Loki is protective of reader, Loki's not dead, Memories, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Post-Battle of New York (Marvel), Post-Thor: The Dark World, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Reader has a dark painful past, Reader is a survivor, Reader is mute, Repressed Memories, Sweet Loki (Marvel), Thor believes Loki is dead, Torture, Trauma, but he will also whoop your ass, especially when it comes to Reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 07:50:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11375814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iplaydead/pseuds/Iplaydead
Summary: You wake up one night to strangers kidnapping you.When Loki finds out it was The Avengers that took you, he wastes no time in getting you back.When the Avengers realize there is more than meets the eye, they are determined to get to the bottom of it. What they discover will force them to change the way they think about the harsh, coldhearted God of Lies.





	1. Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've been taken and Loki is **not** happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm drowning in fics, but I cannot resist. 
> 
> Fuck it.
> 
> Let me know what you think. I've done a reader oneshot, but I haven't done a fic. so I thought I'd switch it up a bit.  
> More coming soon, as well as updates for other stories. I like variety when I get stuck on one; helps to take breaks and go back. At least for me. :) I also have way too many ideas and an active imagination. Erm...yeah.  
> Happy reading!
> 
> ***Also- I will NOT be using the term, (Y/N). I don't mind reading it, but personally I don't want to throw it in there. I will find other ways around that. I feel like it distracts from the story? I don't know. To each their own. Again, don't mind reading it, just a personal preference. :)

They were coming for you, but fast asleep, you didn't hear them. Not until it was too late. You scream, kick, punch, you claw and use teeth. Anything to get away from your kidnappers, but to no avail, they manage to subdue you.

What you couldn't figure out is why they kept acting as if they were rescuing you. They had just stolen you from your home, everything you knew. Ripped you out of your warm bed and now you were in the back of a van with a bunch of strangers going god knows where. 

You were terrified. Flash's of old memories begin to flood through your mind in waves and all you can do is tremble. You're too afraid to cry. What if they got off on crying like the last ones? No, you wouldn't cry. At least not yet. 

They took you to a large tower in New York and you mindlessly take in your surroundings as they lead you through the doors straight into an elevator to another floor. Down a hallway. Another door, another elevator. You were sure by this point you were lost and would never find your way out.

Perhaps that was the goal. 

They put you in a large, white, bright room that contained a bed, a nightstand, and a door you assumed to be the bathroom. A woman tells you everything is going to be alright now, that he can't hurt you anymore. You don't understand. You had already been rescued from that hell, and they just stripped you away from it. You say nothing back. It isn't like you could if you wanted to anyway. She began searching your body for... Bruises? Marks? 

Did they think he was hurting you!? 

When she finally leaves, you curled into the fetal position on the bed finally allowing yourself to break down. What did these people want with you? Why had they taken you away? 

Then it hits you that once he arrives home he will come looking for you. You want to call out to him, but you have no idea how. He had always been the first to reach out if you were separated, otherwise, you had to think to him directly. That way he couldn't invade every thought and vise-versa. You'd never been this far away from him since he found you. You'd never been apart this long. It was unnerving. You wanted to panic, only stopping yourself so you didn't go three steps backward, though, you knew it was coming.

Always one step forward, three steps back.

You can already feel the anxiety creeping up into your chest, the cold sweats, rapid breathing; heart pounding so hard you were sure it was going to explode out of your chest. You couldn't go through this again. You wouldn't survive it. Hell, you weren't sure how you got through it the first time. Well, that was a lie- You did know.

He saved you. 

Thinking back, you wish now you would have agreed he stay at home just as he had offered, but you weren't a selfish person and you knew he was getting restless. You didn't want to go out, so you let him go without you. It was the first time he'd left you home alone for longer than thirty minutes. He'd only been gone a little over an hour before you retired to bed, knowing he would wake you once he got home. You were sure once this was over and he found you, you'd be lucky if he ever left your side again. That wouldn't bother you in the slightest, unsure if you would even be able to stay at home alone now even for just a few minutes.

 

When Loki arrived home to find his door broken in and you gone, he panicked for a moment before it turned into pure irate, irrational fury. Had they come back for you? Surely not, he was sure he had murdered them all. Watching those men choke on their own blood had been very satisfying for Loki after he'd found you and the state you were in. 

Broken, bruised, bloody, half-starved, and mute from having your vocal cords ripped out. Loki had seen horrible things, he'd been through worse, but that day he couldn't bring himself to leave you. He knew about torture; perhaps that's why he saved you. Loki couldn't even recall how he had arrived at the club they were keeping you. Everything looked innocent on the outside world, but he could feel the power surging from downstairs.

Power he wanted.

After he'd gotten the crystal, which he realized held a lot of black magic he turned to leave and heard your soft cries. That's when he found you. He hadn't fully processed the thought to take you; to save you. Loki reacted; he reacted by ripping everyone who worked there to pieces. You were terrified of him when he approached you, but Loki used a soft, silky tone to talk you into going with him. He would have taken you anyway but wanted to offer you a choice. You chose him; almost three years ago. 

He hadn't intended on caring for you, falling for you. He had only planned to get you better and stronger than let you live your own life, but you had refused to leave him. It took him only a few days after you were ready to go out on your own for him to realize you were too terrified to leave the house without him; be without him. So he stayed around, annoyed by the fact at first. But as time went by he grew to know you and even figured out a way to communicate with you without using sign language (which he learned early on, just for you). He hadn't done that lightly since he had to link you to him in order to do so. So far, he hadn't come to regret it. But he would never tell anyone that. No one could know that he cared for you, for he fears someone will try to use you as leverage against him.

It would work.

Loki didn't like having weaknesses, and you were it.

_'Where are you?!'_

_'Loki! I don't know, a tower in New York I think. I was asleep and they came for me-'_

_"Who?'_ As soon as you said New York, Loki's fists clenched and he was shaking with rage. _It couldn't be..._

_'I don't know. Loki, I'm scared...'_

_'Have they hurt you...'_

_'No, not yet. I don't know what they want from me.'_

_'Is there a red-haired woman?'_

_'Yes.'_

_'Do they wear uniforms; all different types? One made of Iron even.'_

Come to think about it... _'Yes, actually. Loki, do you know them?'_

_'Don't worry, I know **exactly** where you are and **I'm coming**.' _

 

Loki was angry, you could tell. You really hadn't expected any less, knowing he cared for you just as much as you cared for him. You almost felt bad for your kidnappers, seeing as they were probably about to be ripped to pieces pretty soon. It didn't bother you, not anymore. Not after what you'd been through. 

You watched Loki kill the men who had been keeping you, terrified of him at first for the act. Now it was nothing. It was only this past year you started going out and it seemed no matter where you went, someone had to approach you, hit on you, or tease you. Loki didn't like that.

Not one bit.

He despised when people looked, talked, or touched his things. Maybe it was because you were just as damaged as he was; he had told you a few stories, but you are sure there are more; a lot more, but you didn't care how many broken bodies he left behind. It was always to protect or defend you.

Hard to be mad at someone who loves you.

He's never told you he loves you, but you knew he did just as he knew you loved him. You didn't have to say it. His actions and other words spoke louder than an _'I love you'_ ever could. It didn't feel like enough. It felt cheap and overused. Perhaps that's why neither of you has ever said it. Maybe he felt the same way; that the words were not enough. It was hard to tell with Loki.

You were relieved he'd contacted you settling your nerves some, but you knew the moment you got to Loki you'd fall to pieces. You were surprised to have held up as long as you had.

* * *

"Did she say anything?" Tony questioned Natasha, who was walking out of the elevator to join the rest of them; sitting on the couch. He was worried for you, knowing Loki had been keeping you for who knows how long. He would be surprised if you came out of this mentally and physically undamaged. 

"Not yet. She looks fine, outer appearance wise. I couldn't find any bruises or anything." 

"Huh." Clint figured you'd be hurt. "So she isn't hurt?"

"Not physically, but her mental state, I can tell she's not all there. She was terrified of me and acted as if I was the bad guy."

"I'm sure he tormented her mentally." Clint mused to himself. "Wonder how long she's been with him?"

"I wasn't aware my brother even lived, not to mention how he got ahold of a mortal girl and no one noticed until now."

A SHIELD agent had recognized Loki at a bar one evening, with you. He had alerted Nick Fury and it had taken weeks to track him down, but they managed. SHIELD was mostly a ghost nowadays, but they were still around when it counted the most. They hadn't expected to find you home alone, asleep in a comfortable bed none the less. 

"Do you think he'll show up here for her? Nah, he'll probably just go find himself a new girl to torment." Tony took a sip of his drink. "Feel sorry for whoever's next."

"We need to find Loki," Natasha stressed. "Find out what he's up to, what he's planning and then finish him off for good."

"You realize you are speaking of my brother." Thor's warning was clear in his tone. "He saved Jane and me, helped save the world. I cannot just ignore that."

"You also can't ignore that he destroyed Manhattan." 

"Do you think we'll need...Steve?" Tony was not in the mood to deal with the Soldier, but he couldn't deny they may need him. "While I'm thinking about it, anyone heard from Bruce?"

They all shook their head. 

"I'm guessing Vision and Wanda are out as well?"

Clint nodded. "She left a note. They went to see a movie."

"We'll call Steve as a last resort," Natasha told Tony. "You two need to get over this and make-up. It's too dangerous to have you two at war with one another."

"Well, when he dumps that bastard that killed my parents and apologizes I may forgive him." Or not. 

"We are getting off topic." Clint rubbed his temple. He hated this conversation and it was always brought up one way or another. "I think we should all just call it a night."

"Oh, I wouldn't do that just yet." Came a voice from behind them. The Avengers stood up and turned to find a very angry looking Loki staring back at them. " _Brother._ " 

"Loki. How do you live?" Thor knew he was alive, but to see him standing in front of him was surreal. His brother lives and he didn't tell him? 

"None of your concern, Thor." He averted his gaze towards the other Avengers. "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Give her back to me and you all will live through this. I will take what belongs to me and take my leave."

"Don't think so, that poor girl is traumatized. You really think she would go with you?!"

"Because you stole her away from her home, from _me_ , assassin!" he roared, green sparks flying from his fingertips. " _She's mine_. Of _course,_ she would come with me!"

"Right." Tony laughed. "Sure, we'll just go get her and give you back your slave." 

"If you know what is good for you, you will. You are ruining all my progress, everything I have been working so hard to fix! For the record, she is _no_ slave!" he yelled, fists clenched. He was sick of this, the Avengers. They had more than likely ruined everything. All that hard work just flushed down the drain in one night. The ONE NIGHT he decides he had to go out, letting you talk him into leaving you home alone. Lesson learned.

"Loki, what do you mean, what are you fixing?" Thor could tell this wasn't just Loki trying to get his way. There was something else hidden in his intentions, but Thor couldn't quite figure out what it was.

"Ignore him, Thor. Leave the girl alone, she's safe with us. You come quietly and you may live tonight." Clint challenged, taking a step towards Loki.

Loki threw his head back and laughed. "Seriously? You think you can beat me, have you forgotten what I'm capable of?"

"We've beaten you before."

"Yes, but you are also a Soldier and a Hulk short, and you only _defeated me_ because I wanted to fail. I could have killed you all, ever wondered why I didn't? You ever wonder why I didn't go for your family, Clint Barton?"

Clint stiffened. Loki knew? He KNEW! 

"They weren't part of the plan. I don't care for them. You are all alive because I kept you alive, end of story.   
Now, I am _through_ playing these games. Bring her to me, or I will destroy you all to get to her." 

"You would take a girl against her will?" Thor spoke up, trying to figure his brother out. 

"You took her against her will."

"Wow, he really is delusional." 

Loki grinned at the Man of Iron. "Bring her to me, and I'll show you who is delusional. Here's a hint, it isn't me."

"So you're saying if we brought her downstairs, she would run straight to you?"

"Precisely."

"Fine." Tony shrugged. "Tasha, get the girl. I want to see what happens."

"Tony!"

"Just do it. You don't have to throw her at him. If she runs away screaming we'll know he's lying."

"And if he isn't?" Thor turned to Tony, talking quietly. "What if he isn't lying."

"That's what we are going to find out. Tasha!" The assassin rolled her eyes and headed to the elevator. 

_'The redhead comes for you. Go with her. I'm here.'_

_'Thank you.'_

_'No need to thank me, darling. You're mine and they will soon discover that.'_

_'What if they don't let me go willingly? I can't stay here with them, Loki. I am falling apart already.'_

_'I know sweet girl, just hold on. If they won't give you back to me, I'll kill them._

_**All** of them.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read online there are mute individuals who cannot speak or make sound at all, and then I read there are those who can still make certain noises; such as yelling, crying, whimpering, but cannot speak.  
> (Research is a bitch...so I hope I have it accurate.)
> 
> You are the latter.


	2. Explanations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned on writing a chapter yesterday, but I had surgery and reacted badly to some medication they gave me and spent the entire day throwing up.  
> It was wonderful..... *Sarcasm.*
> 
> I am feeling MUCH better today, so here's a chapter! :D

The redhead led you back down to the main floor and the moment you saw Loki you try to run to him, but the woman had a firm grip on your arm. Loki could see you struggling to get out of her grasp, as well as the confused and concerned expression on her face.

"Release her, assassin!" 

Natasha was reluctant, but she let you go and you haul ass straight into Loki's arms, breaking down into tears the moment he wrapped himself around you. "Shh, it's okay, sweet girl, shh, it's okay." Loki sat down and pulled you on his lap while you cried with your face pressed into his chest. He rubbed your back in an attempt to soothe you.

Everyone was stunned watching Loki try to calm you. The sweet tone he used with you and how gentle he was being. They weren't sure what to think. 

"What the hell?" Natasha whispered to Tony. 

"I-I don't know. I didn't actually expect her to go to him."

"You think he brainwashed her?" Clint chimed in quietly. 

"Her eyes aren't clouded over like yours were unless he's using something else." 

"I think we just need to watch." Thor interrupted, eyes still fixed on you and his brother. It was almost as if Loki had forgotten they were even there, though, Thor knew better than that. 

So that's exactly what they did; they watched. 

You finally calm down, hiccuping from crying so hard. You just wanted to go home. You wanted to be in your bed with Loki, not curled up in his lap while a bunch of strangers watched you. Loki was studying you, trying to access your mental state of being. He was worried for you, knowing what happened tonight was going to set you back, which angered him. It wasn't you that he was mad at, it was the Avengers that so stupidly kidnapped you from your home without knowing any details. They had no idea what they had just done and how much it was going to affect you. 

"You wish you return home?" he asks you, and you nod. 

"Whoa, hold on." Tony jumped in. "You can't just take her without telling us what the hell is going on?" 

You start shaking all over, afraid these people weren't going to let you go home with Loki. 

"I think she needs to tell us she wants to go with you. I want to hear her say it, I'm still not convinced."

Loki chuckled slightly, "Well, I hate to break it to you, but you won't be getting that wish." He looked at you sadly, stroking his fingers against your cheek. "She cannot speak," he mumbled. 

"How convenient." Clint eye rolls. 

Loki glared daggers at him. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." 

"Why can't she speak?" Thor decided to ask, hoping to relieve some of the tension in the room.

 "I'm not discussing that right now," Loki growled. "Here's what's going to happen. I'm taking her home, if you wish you know more you can follow." Loki knew they weren't going to back off and he didn't have time to fight with them. You were more of his concern.

"Wait, back at your place? Yeah, right." Tony shook his head. "No, you two stay here."

"No, she cannot _stay here_!" Loki raised his voice, but you were used to it and it wasn't directed at you so it didn't bother you when he started yelling at Tony. "She needs to go home, somewhere that is familiar and safe. This place is not it!"

"Tony, I think we should listen." 

"Really Thor?" 

"Yes, really. You don't have to come. I'll go alone."

"I'll go too." Natasha was curious, she couldn't deny it. She had to know what you were to him, what happened to you. She scolded herself for taking so long to realize you were a trauma victim. She should have recognized that from the start. "Listen." she began quietly. "Something has happened to her, I can see it. Just go along with this Tony. We won't get through to her, only he can. I've seen this before."

"What, so you're saying he did something to her?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying." She looked over at you and the dark god who was still consoling you. "I-I think he saved her."

 

In the end, everyone had decided to come along, much to Loki's disgust, but he would deal with them later. Right now he had to take care of you. Tony was dead set on everyone taking the same car to Loki's place, he assumed to make sure he actually went there and didn't teleport you off somewhere else. He wouldn't have, he couldn't even if he had wanted to. You needed to be home in your bed. It was the only place you felt truly safe.

Or, well, it was...

Loki carried you in the apartment and groaned when he remembered his door had been broken down. "You owe me a door," he growled, walking over it and headed to the bedroom. "Stay here." he demanded, kicking the bedroom door closed behind him, not even bothering to look back towards his 'guests'. "I'm sorry sweetling, I know you don't want them here, but those are the Avengers and they aren't going to let this go without an explanation." 

Then it all made sense. The Avengers; New York. So they really did think Loki had kidnapped and hurt you. _'Stay with me until I fall asleep?'_

"Of course." 

He laid you down and curled beside you, kissing you softly on the lips and stroking your cheek. You had calmed down a lot better than he had expected. The real challenge would be whether your night terrors came back. Loki hoped they wouldn't, but he wasn't so sure tonight hadn't triggered something deeper even if they hadn't hurt you, they still scared and kidnapped you. He decided he would sing to you tonight, which he did often, a song his mother used to sing to him when he was a child. It always helped you go to sleep on bad nights. Tonight was one of those nights.

 

"Can you hear anything?" Clint asked Tony, who had his ear to the door. Clint was currently trying to fix the front door since they were so exposed and since he was the one to break it down, but it was a lost cause. The door was a goner. Thor and Natasha rolled their eyes and shook their head and decided to make themselves comfortable on the couch. 

"I think he's singing to her?" Tony scrunched his face. Loki, singing? "Okay, so I think we entered an alternate universe. This is getting weird." Clint and Tony joined Natasha and Thor on the couch. Tony noticed the place was very, very clean and organized. "Why is it so clean?"

Thor laughed, "Because my brother lives here. He doesn't like disorder or dirt, well, not in his personal space. His room was much like this in Asgard."

"Wonder if I can hire him as my maid. I got to hand it to him, he knows how to organize and decorate."

"I am no one's maid," Loki said sternly walking out of the bedroom and closing the door behind him.

"Front door is shot," Clint told him. "I'm not buying you one either."

Loki rolled his eyes and flicked his wrist, fixing the broken door. "And now it's fixed," he growled, heading over to the bar in the kitchen, that was an open view from the living room and poured himself a drink.

He really needed a drink.

"Is that from Asgard?" Thor stood up, walked over to the bar and attempted to pick up the bottle, but Loki snatched it before he could get ahold of it.

"Yes, my last. Get your own." He grumbled, pouring another glass. "You can have some of that Midgardian crap under the bar."

"It does nothing for me!" Thor argued.

"Not my problem."

"Okay, you two, back on track now," Tony spoke up, walking over to join them. Natasha and Clint did the same. "Spill it. Tell us everything or we will take her back."

Loki laughed a dark laugh, "You can try. You will fail." 

"Okay, Tony shut up for a second. Loki, what happened to her?" Natasha was tired of the bickering. She was curious about you now.

"Ah, so I see you have figured it out." Loki took another drink. 

"And?" Clint crossed his arms. Any day now.

"And what?"

"Tell us!"

"Why should I tell you anything?" 

"Loki." Thor pleaded. "Don't make this harder."

"Why not? You all come in here all high and mighty and kidnap my girl and then you demand me tell you all of her secrets? I think not."

"Just a run down then?" Natasha was going to get something out of him. "Loki, I'm seriously curious and concerned. Maybe I can even help you."

"Doubtful, since she is terrified of you." Loki rolled his eyes, taking another drink. "Perhaps if you hadn't kidnapped her, maybe, but even then she trusts no one but me."

"You." Tony laughed. "She trusts you?" 

Loki sighed and clenched his free fist. He was ready to throw Stark out another window. Too bad he was only on the second floor. "You are pushing your luck, Stark."

"You're the one who told us to come, now spill it," Tony growled, wanting very much for this to be over so he could go home and have his own drink. "Actually, give me a drink if you are going to take your time."

Loki shrugged and pulled out a bottle of Whiskey and handed it to him along with a glass. "By all means, drink this horrid crap."

Tony smiled. Alcohol. Sweet, beautiful alcohol. "I'll be nicer once I'm drunk," he said, sitting down and pouring himself a glass and taking no time in downing the entire thing and poured him another. "God, I needed a drink."

"This is fun and all, but we aren't here to get drunk." Clint reminded them. He was growing restless and impatient. "Just get on with it and quit stalling. You're going to tell us one way or the other. We wouldn't be here otherwise."

"But it's so much more fun to make you wait." 

"Loki!"

Loki sighed, "Fine, if I tell you, will you leave?"

"If we are sure the girl isn't in harm's way, yes." Tony poured another glass. "Do you know how weird it is to see you being all cuddly?"

"You think I haven't a heart?" Loki smirked. 

"A cold, black one, maybe." Tony laughed. "Though, I'm not so sure now since I heard you singing."

"It calms her." Loki fidgeted with his glass. He really didn't care Tony had heard him, but it was slightly annoying. They already knew too much.

"Did you save her?" 

Loki looked at the redhead and nodded, "Yes. I found her, almost three years ago."

"Three years?" Thor exasperated. "Three years you've been alive and you didn't tell me?"

"So sorry that once I realized I was not dead that I didn't jump for joy to go back into a cell, a cell you promised I'd return to." he snarled. "So, no. I didn't tell you. I told no one. Evidently, I wasn't careful enough."

"SHIELD saw you at a bar with her and called us freaking out," Tony told him, feeling nice and buzzed. "Can't blame us for thinking you took her. We didn't really have the best start since you attempted to take over the planet and brought in an alien army in all."

"Yes, well." Loki took another drink. "Things change."

"Who had her?" Natasha pressed. They were getting off topic again.

"Men, not sure who they were. I found her and killed them all. Took her home with me and well, here we are."

"Why can't she speak?" Thor asked again, hoping his brother would actually tell them this time since you were not in the room.

"They severed her vocal cords, among other things. She was barely alive when I found her." 

"What did they do to her?" Natasha was appalled by what she had heard already. She didn't like Loki, but she had to admit what he did for you was honorable and she wouldn't forget it. Maybe if she would have had someone rescue her, perhaps she wouldn't be who and where she was now. She could have children...

Though, she had long gotten over her past. Shit happens, you move on. However, she had a horrible feeling whatever happened to you was worse. Much worse.

Loki went to answer, but when you started to scream he slammed his glass down on the table and headed for the bedroom, "You can blame yourselves for this!" he roared, before leaving them alone in the kitchen. 

You were having another night terror. It had been so long since you'd had one, but Loki remembered what to do. He held you as you fought him, unaware of where you were for a few minutes. Once you realized Loki was with you, you broke down again while he rubbed your back and kissed your head. "You're okay, we're at home. They can't get to you anymore," he whispered, holding your shaking figure tighter. "I'm here. I won't leave you again."

And he didn't. Loki left the Avengers out in the other room and held you all night as you slept.

You slept soundly. Eventually, Loki fell asleep too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki is reluctant to tell them what happened to you, but eventually we'll get there.


	3. Trauma- Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warning** \- mentions of rape and sexual abuse. The next chapter will go more into detail about you and what actually happened, so I just want you all to be aware before reading!! (Not too much detail, but enough that I feel like I should let you know beforehand.)
> 
> The topic hits close to home and I understand it to a certain degree, but I still want to point out that **no one** will react the same way being a victim of sexual assault/rape. Everyone reacts differently, so I'm not saying this is how it is. It could be, but not necessarily.  
>  In reality, it could go many different ways. It honestly depends on the person and their experience. 
> 
> Rape is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, so I just want to make sure I don't upset anyone mostly. I can talk about it, write about it, while others can't bear to even hear the word.  
> So...I guess that's why I put up a speech...  
> I worry too much, I guess. lol
> 
> Sorry, enjoy the chapter. :) I'll stop rambling. ;D

A bang from outside the bedroom woke Loki up with a groan. The Avengers were still here?! It sounded like they were in his kitchen, he assumed making themselves at home. He rolled his eyes and looked at you, still asleep in his arms and smiled. He loved you so much. Loki wished there were words to describe how he felt about you besides, _'I love you._ ' Those words didn't feel like they were enough, you needed more. You _deserved_ more. Not only did he love you, but you loved him. You had never said the words, but he knew you loved him. You _trusted_ _him,_  which was more than anyone had ever given Loki his entire life- especially considering your circumstances, and that meant more to him than you would ever know. He had never been one to be trusted or to be loved. He honestly thought he was incapable of love until he found you. 

When you awaken, you find Loki leaning over smiling at you and you can't help but grin back. He was so beautiful; his pale features, high cheekbones, and beautiful raven hair you loved to sink your hands into. His bright emerald eyes would get lost in yours until you felt like you couldn't breathe correctly. Sometimes he was too much, too intense, but in a deliciously good way; a way you never thought you could feel and be comfortable feeling. Though Loki was thin, he was nothing but pure muscle. You had seen him nude, touched his body, but you two had yet to be _fully_ physically intimate.

He had explained to you over time that sex was meant to be pleasurable, not painful, and this past year you finally got the courage to allow Loki to touch you in your most private areas with his hands and mouth. It took several tries before you actually got anywhere, but baby steps were better than nothing. He reluctantly agreed to keep trying when you begged him, explaining it wasn't his fault you would panic, but you could tell the first few times were just as hard on him as it was for you. He didn't want to hurt you, he didn't want to see you cry because you couldn't be with him the way you wanted; the way you knew he wanted, but he never pressured you to go farther, never asked you to return the favor with your own hands or mouth once you were comfortable enough to let him please you. 

Four months later you decided you wanted to please him just as much and asked him if you could try something. At first, you only used your hands, finding it didn't bother you to do this since it was Loki you were doing it too, loving the way he responded to your touch and the sweet, sinful moans that would escape his throat. Then you got brave and pleased him with your mouth one night, surprising both you and him. You realized you loved to please him; feel him trembling underneath you while you took him into your mouth as deep as you could get, eventually even swallowing his seed when he would come. You two had explored everything except actual penetration; you would lie naked together, humping, touching, kissing, exploring, but had not yet had 'sex.' You were determined to change that, sooner than later. You were tired of being held back because of your past. Yes, you had been sexually abused and raped for years, but that wasn't your fault, even though you always thought it was. Loki made damn sure you knew it wasn't, realizing, in the end, he was right.

You wanted a normal life, a normal relationship. You wanted to make love to him, curious to know what sex was supposed to feel like. If it was anything like what you two already did together, you knew you wouldn't be able to wait much longer. You wanted to give yourself to him even though the thought scared you, but this was _Loki_. He would never hurt you. He would never do to you what those men did and deep down you knew that he would be gentle and caring. You knew that you could enjoy it if you could enjoy other things with him. You wanted him, you wanted him so bad it hurt. 

You bite your bottom lip and pull him towards you to kiss his lips, parting yours to kiss him deeper; tongues intertwining together. You loved kissing Loki. You loved the way he touched you, the way he looked at you. You loved everything about him, flaws and all. Loki wasn't perfect, but neither were you. He had his moments, but if he was having a rough day he had ways of letting you know, so you would spend those times by yourself (though Loki was still in the apartment somewhere) and you would write and practice your studies. You were grateful Loki had helped you learn everything you'd missed since you only had up to a seventh-grade education. Over the past three years, you had caught up to where you should have been, even going beyond and studying college-level courses. You yearned to go to school, but the thought of leaving the house and going to a large campus all day made you feel sick. You even considered asking Loki if he would just be your teacher again, but he already had so much on his plate; with you, and couldn't bring yourself to ask. He had already done so much for you.

You work up enough nerve to roll him onto his back and straddle him, still kissing him fiercely. You roll your hips against him and you both let out a moan and you felt his member growing hard against you while his hands grip your waist, slowly and carefully moving them up and down your backside. But before you can get too lost in the moment Loki stopped you, pulling away gently. He whispers your name, "We must stop." You shake your head. You didn't want to stop. "The Avengers are still here, I cannot make love to you for the first time with them in the other room." 

You stiffen, assuming they would have left last night. Now that you knew they were still in your home, you begin to shake all over again.

_'Why won't they leave?'_

"It's mostly my fault. I'm stalling, they wish to know about you." Loki sat up with you still wrapped around him, rocking you back and forth and kissing your cheek.

 _'If you have to tell any of them, tell the woman, please?'_ You sniffle, hating that these strangers wanted to know your horrible past; your darkest secrets. 

"Are you sure? I won't tell any of them anything if you don't want me to. I'll use my Seidr right now and throw them out. I'll ward and hide the apartment."

_'No, Loki. We can't do that again. If it will get them to leave, do it. Tell her. I don't know why, but she seems nice. She was nice.'_

Loki nodded, nuzzling his face against your neck. "I know these words mean nothing, but those men in there are good men; mostly." he corrected. "They would not hurt you. I would not let them if they were to dare try, but they won't. The large oaf in there is Thor. I meant to tell you last night, but-"

 _'Your brother?'_ Loki stiffened. _'Sorry...'_

"Not your fault." He kissed you softly on the lips. "You need to eat. Do you wish to remain in here, or would you like to come out?"

You chew on your lip. You wanted to go out there with Loki like you would any other day, but the men...

_'I want to stay in here.'_

"I won't be long," he tells you. "I promise."

 

"It's about fucking time." Tony drawled when Loki finally joined them in the living room. "We've been out here all damn night waiting for you."

Loki scoffed, walking past Tony while speaking. "No one forced you to wait. I had more important matters to attend to."

"Look, I get it your girl has issues, but you can fuck her later. We need answers now."

Loki turned, taking two strides towards Tony and wrapping a hand around his throat, lifting him in the air so his feet weren't touching the ground; much like he had during his attack in New York. Tony's eyes went wide, clawing at Loki's hands, but to no avail, he couldn't get free. The last time Loki had done this, he'd still allowed him to breathe, but this time he had completely cut off his air supply and Tony wondered if he was going to snap his neck right then and there. "I ought to rip out your throat for that remark!" 

Tony shook his head the best he could and attempted to speak, "I'm sorry-" he squeaked, kicking his legs, sure his face was beginning to change colors. He needed air!

"Loki put him down!" Thor shouted, rushing up to his brother. He had seen this look in Loki's eyes before, knowing if he didn't do something soon, Stark would be a dead man. "Loki, I'm sure he didn't mean it how it sounded!"

"Put him down." Clint had his bow drawn, arrow in the quiver aimed straight at Loki's head. It didn't phase him in the slightest. "NOW!"

"I-I didn't mean..." Tony was on the verge of passing out now. 

"I'm shooting him." 

"Wait!" Natasha stepped in front of Clint's line of sight with her back towards him, facing Loki. She was standing right next to him with Thor on the other side still looking panicked- unsure of what to say or do without having Loki snap and kill Stark. She knew Tony had not realized what Loki had said last night, subtly, but she had. She was used to catching the subtle comments. She had heard it all before, she didn't need for Loki to tell her you had been sexually abused. Again, she felt that she should have known; seen the signs earlier. They were all there last night when they had taken you. The way you reacted towards Tony, Clint, and Thor. She supposed it was her subconscious telling her to be the one to escort you to your room; she could kick herself right now for being so damn blind.

"Loki." she began calmly, much calmer than she felt. "He didn't realize, he doesn't know. He's an idiot, okay? She needs you, so you need to let him go before Clint shoots you." Loki loosened his grip and she could hear Tony's gasp for air he so desperately craved. Loki turned his head to meet Natasha's gaze; his own eyes red-rimmed and wet. The rest of the Avengers may not have noticed how much Loki loved you, but she did; unsure if it was because of this moment or if it was from last night and the way he took care of you. She could also tell he was trying to hide it, that he wanted to hide it, but he couldn't.

Not from Natasha.  

"She needs you," she repeated and carefully placed one of her hands on his shoulder. "Let him go, Loki." 

Loki reluctantly released Tony and he fell on the floor with a _plop_ straight on his ass. He clutched his sore throat and inhaled as much oxygen as he could get. He really hadn't meant it the way it sounded, but thinking back now saying you had issues was probably not the best idea since you clearly DID have issues. 

"So, this is what is going to happen, you _three_ -" Loki spat venomously, pointing at Tony, then Clint, then Thor. "-Are leaving, _right now_. You're not to _look_ at her, _speak_ to her, or even _think_ about her, ever again!"

"You-" Loki snapped his head back towards Natasha. "You can stay. I will speak with you about her since you seem to be the only one around here with any sense! I will tell you what you wish to know and _only you_. You can then decide if she is _worthy_ of my care." Loki spat, then paused, taking a shaky breath.

"Perhaps you can help her in a way I cannot. Being a woman she may speak with you, but I will not say for certain since you were with these morons last night. She will not come out with them here, they need to leave. I won't have her feeling trapped in her own home."

"I get it." Natasha gave him a small smile. "I'll get them out, you just take care of her."

Loki nodded, turning away from them and headed towards the kitchen to start cooking your breakfast. Keeping Natasha wasn't very thrilling for him, but he knew they still wanted answers and they wouldn't leave until they got them. Loki also knew Natasha had her own dark past and he knew if any of them was going to understand, it would be her. Maybe she could even help you? Loki tried, he tried so hard, but he didn't have all the answers. As much as he hated to admit, he didn't know everything. For the most part, he knew what you needed, he understood abuse, pain, and torture, but rape was something he didn't understand; at least not how you felt about it. He didn't know what to do for you, how to help you in that way. He wasn't a rape victim, so he didn't know what you really needed from him. He could tell you were wanting to become fully intimate, but Loki wasn't sure if it was a good idea.

What would happen if he scared you? What if you were damaged and he didn't know and hurt you? What would he do if you panicked and ran from him? Who would take care of you then? 

"What does being a woman have to do with anything?" Clint argued, wondering what Loki's true intentions were. 

"What does he mean she won't come out?" Tony had finally caught his breath and manage to get back on his wobbly feet.

"Shut up, Clint; Tony." Natasha gave them a warning look. "Just go, I got this."

"No." Clint frowned. "I'm not leaving you alone with him!"

"Yes, you will. You all need to leave." Natasha leaned in with pleading eyes and whispered the one thing she knew Clint would understand in his ear.

" _Code_ _black."_ Clint froze, finally realizing what Tasha was trying to tell him. And also why Loki had reacted the way he had. He had known Natasha long enough to know what she meant without her ever having to say it out loud. It was a code they had between each other to pass along messages and code black meant one of three things. Two of those meanings did not apply in any way that would even make sense in this scenario.

Clint knew what exactly what Natasha meant. "We'll leave. Call me when you want to come home. It's an hour and a half drive, so do not take a train or a bus. I'll come get you when you're ready."

"Uh, Legolas, are you sure that's a great idea?" Tony asked, bewildered. Was he seriously going to leave Natasha here alone with Loki?

"I'll explain on the way home. Tony, Thor, let's go." 

"Are you sure you wish to stay here with my brother alone?" Thor asked, planning on staying behind if she needed him to. 

"Yes, he won't hurt me." She looked over towards Loki, who angrily rushed around the kitchen while he prepared your meal. "He has too much to lose now, and I think he may actually talk to me."

"But why you?" Tony still wasn't convinced this wasn't a trick.

"Because I will understand. I do understand. I know what trauma is, what it's like to have your life taken from you." She sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Maybe I can help in some way, or maybe I can't. Either way you three cannot be here, or the girl will never come out of her room."

"We aren't going to hurt her," Tony argued, offended he was the one you were afraid of and not Loki of all people. 

"Tony, let's go," Clint said sternly, pulling Tony towards the front door. "Thor, you too." 

"If you need me, call my cell. I can be here in less than five minutes." 

Natasha smiled, "Thank you, Thor, but I think I'll be okay."

 

"I don't get it." Tony huffed, getting into the passenger side of his Audi. He had promised to let Clint drive home and he joined him right after and situated himself into the driver's seat, while Thor made himself comfortable in the back. "Why did _we_ have to leave?"

"What do you know?" Thor asked Clint, placing a hand on his shoulder. "What did you figure out?"

"Do you all remember how she reacted to us last night, how much she put up a fight?"

"Yeah, so? She was afraid, nothing unusual." Tony shrugged, putting on his seat belt. Clint and Thor did the same. 

"Well, I was the one that carried her outside while you all searched for Loki, and I couldn't figure out why she was so tense; why she was so afraid of me. She shook her head back and forth, trembling all over, sobbing." Clint sighed, feeling like pure shit. He should have noticed. Why didn't he notice?!

"Well, spill it." Tony pressed, impatiently. 

"She's a rape victim-" Tony's eyes went wide and he stopped breathing. "-And you just told Loki, he could  _fuck_ her later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deleted, rewrote, deleted, and rewrote this chapter SO many times.  
> I hope I did it some justice.... 
> 
> Been a while since I worked THIS long on a chapter. So, if you can let me know what you thought? 
> 
> ****You'll also notice (depending on the story) how I throw in the other Avengers. In most of my fics, Natasha is the bitch and Tony is the cool one. Then sometimes Tony is the shitty one, while Natasha is the cool one. Clint and Steve are usually in the middle somewhere, and I'm biased with Thor so I usually shit on him....though, I'm working on that. xD ****
> 
> ALSO does the BAMF tag still mean; bad ass mother fucker, in AO3 terms? If it isn't, PLEASE let me know. If it is, then good. xD Because Loki is a BAMF...


	4. Trauma- Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha gets down to business and attempts to find out what happened to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning; mentions of sexual abuse and torture.

You hear Loki call your name as he opens the door. You had just gotten out of the shower, now sitting at your desk reading a novel. "Darling, would you like to come out and have breakfast? The woman only remains."

You are apprehensive but agree. Being cooped up in your room didn't sound thrilling, even though the redhead still made you nervous you wanted to come out and act as if it were any other day. When you step out she smiles at you, already sitting at the table. 

"Hello." The woman frowns for a moment. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name." As Loki is directing you to the kitchen, he tells her what your name is. "Pretty name." she compliments, handing you the plate of toast as you sit down. You smile and accept, giving a nod of thanks. "I'm Natasha, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the misunderstanding. We, uh," she looked towards Loki. "We wouldn't have bothered you, had we known all the details." 

You chew on your lip and nod, fidgeting with the tablecloth. You appreciated her apology, but you didn't really want to talk, much less remember last night. It made you sick just thinking about it.

"Sorry, I'll change the subject." Natasha realizes she's made you uncomfortable. "So, um, what do you all do for fun?"

You frown. This woman does realize that you cannot answer her, right? You wonder if she knows sign language; it would definitely make this conversation easier. Apparently, Loki had picked up on this too with his fork in the air, mid-pause from inserting it into his mouth, and glared at her. 

"You realize she cannot answer you."

"Right." Damn. She had forgotten, or well not forgotten, she just hadn't thought everything through. "Well, then you tell me. What does she like?"

Loki finishes the bite of eggs and sighs, just wanting to eat breakfast without conversation- With Natasha. "She enjoys reading, the outdoors, she likes to write." he smiles at you, and you blush. "She's very talented, though, she will not believe me." 

Natasha smiles, happy to hear you still take interest in things. That was progress in itself. "What does she like to write?" 

"Poetry, journal entries, stories. Anything she feels she needs to. We realized early on that it was a good stress outlet. She can get out how she's feeling."

"Well, that's nice. You must have liked school as a kid then?" You shake your head and continue eating. It wasn't that you didn't like school, you just didn't remember going all that much. You didn't remember much of what your life was like...before. You were so deep into thought you missed the look Natasha gave Loki for an explanation. 

"She only attended up until the seventh grade." Loki was picking at his food now. "I taught her the rest, caught her up."

"Seventh grade, but why-" Natasha froze mid-sentence and swallowed, clearing her throat. _Nevermind._ "That was sweet of you." She says in a rush, hoping you hadn't caught on to what she was going to say. Luckily, you had been too busy eating and hadn't noticed.

"Maybe we should talk about this later," Natasha mumbled towards Loki.

"I think that would be wise."

 

You're sitting on the couch while Loki and Natasha cleaned up watching TV when it hits you. It was rare when you actually remembered your night terrors, but every now and then the nightmares would creep their way back into your subconscious. It had been months since you'd had an attack, but after last night it was to be expected, even though you prayed and willed yourself not to be affected, it didn't take. 

Half the time you didn't even know it was happening until you were already screaming, but this time Loki had been paying extra attention to you even while he cleaned up, halfway listening to Natasha's chatter. So when your breathing picked up and you started to shake, he was already there beside you. 

 

Natasha watched. She watched Loki scoop you up and head towards a back room, a room she had yet to see him enter since being here. He didn't bother to close the door behind him and she could see a very large window in the room; a window, he proceeded to crawl through to the outside with you still in his arms.

You both disappear out of sight just as quickly.

She was hesitant to follow, but finally decided she was too curious to hold back and slowly entered the room that held the window Loki had just taken you through. The room was empty. Even though it was odd, she shrugged it off and continued her journey to follow you. When she climbed out the window, she found a fire escape with stairs that lead both up and down. 

Natasha chose to go up.

When she finally reached the top, she gasped when she saw the huge garden that covered almost the entire roof. She took a moment to admire the beautiful, peaceful area and noticed it resembled a park, much like one she would go visit in New York. In the middle of the garden sat a fountain, lined with benches and that's when she saw you. Loki was holding you and she could tell he was trying to get you to focus on the garden; anything but what you were currently seeing in your mind. 

Sitting down next to the stairs, she observed, and whatever he was having you do, it seemed to be helping. Your breathing had slowed and you had stopped crying. She couldn't hear what Loki was saying to you, but she saw you smile as he whispered in your ear. It was odd seeing the man that had rained such terror almost five years ago be so attentive and kind, and considering what you needed from him surprised her even more. She didn't understand it, why Loki chose to take care of you, to care for you, but she would find out.

She had to know. 

* * *

"Did she fall asleep okay?" Natasha asked Loki as he headed out of the bedroom. He stayed with you for several hours on the roof until you had fallen asleep in his arms. She hadn't seen him carry you back down, so she assumed he teleported you back to the room.

"I used my Seidr to ensure her nightmares didn't return. At least for the night." 

Loki looked tired, Natasha noticed, while she watched him sit down in the chair next to the couch where she sat. 

"You know, what you're doing for her and the way you take care of her..." she paused, searching for the right words. "I'll have to admit, I have a whole new level of respect for you because of it. You seem to know exactly what to do." 

"Yes, well, after three years of trial and error you tend to remember what helps and what doesn't. Took me a long time to figure out what she needed, but for the most part, I can help her. Usually, it works, but there are times where my tricks do not help, so I stay with her until she calms down. I find that sometimes she just needs to release her pain."

"You helped her today, in the garden."

"Yes, only because I caught her attack early. She is not always so fortunate."

Natasha nodded, unsure how to respond to that. Instead, she asked, "So, whose garden is that up there? Are you stalking some little old ladies backyard, or does the building own it?" she smirked, causing Loki to chuckle a little.

"No, it's mine. I planted it over two years ago." Natasha furrowed her brows. Loki could... garden? Her dumbfounded look made him chuckle harder this time. "My mother had a garden, I accompanied her many times as a child and through adulthood. I picked up on a few skills." he shrugged. "Usually my gardens would consist more of magical herbs, but Midgardian flowers aren't much different than those my mother would plant."

"You planted it for her, didn't you?"

"Yes," he told her indifferently. "The park would calm her, but only if we were alone. That was a rare occurrence without the aid of magic, so I created my own space for her. Sometimes the neighbors will visit, but I have lived here long enough that they know to leave when we arrive." 

"You're friendly with the neighbors?" she laughed, finding it hard to believe.

"They are older women, and yes. I had to explain her screaming. I didn't always get a spell cast in time to block out the sounds, and people were starting to ask questions. So to avoid what you all call the police from investigating, I explained her situation; briefly. They were understanding and mostly leave us to ourselves."

"However, there were times where I've had to hide this entire building from the police, but it tends to confuse the neighbors when they come home to an empty lot. Fortunately for them, I like most of them so I don't do it unless it's absolutely necessary."

Natasha blinked. "Wait, you hid the _entire_ building?"

"A few times, yes."

"Remind me to ask about that later." Natasha almost laughed, shaking her head. As much as she wanted to know, it was time to get down to business. "So, um, are you ready to tell me how you found her and what exactly happened to her?"

"If I must." Loki scowled. He felt really uncomfortable spilling your darkest secrets to a stranger. Natasha wasn't a stranger to Loki, but they weren't exactly friends either. "I went to a club and happened to end up downstairs." He explained, omitting the part about searching for the crystal. "I found her, beaten and half starved. She was barely conscious and I could tell they had been abusing her in...other ways." It still infuriated him to think of the state he had found you in. Loki was used to witnessing horrible things, but what he saw that day would forever haunt him in his dreams. "I didn't even think it through. I snapped, killing everyone who worked at the club. Whether they all knew about her or not I don't know, but I also didn't take the time to ask."

"Can't say I wouldn't have done the same," Natasha admitted, and as much as she wanted to be angry about the fact Loki had taken the lives of several people without knowing if they were guilty or not, she couldn't. Part of her knew she would have reacted the same way. "So, how did you get her to go with you? Surely, she was afraid of you. And I don't mean that how it sounds." she corrected immediately, realizing that could have been taken out of context. 

"I know what you meant, and very carefully. She was terrified of me at first, but I couldn't just leave her. It took me over an hour to convince her I wouldn't hurt her and that I was only there to help her." he sighed, and rubbed his hands through his hair. "It took almost six months before the girl actually realized I had no intentions of abusing her, and a year before she would stop flinching every time I touched her."

"Sounds reasonable, considering her situation." Loki nodded. "So she grew to trust you. You two are friends?"

"Yes, she is my friend." You were more, but he wasn't sure if he was ready for Natasha to know that. 

"Are you two together, together?" 

Loki hesitated a moment before answering. _Dammit._

"Yes." 

"You seem hesitant." Natasha pushed, noticing how Loki tensed up from the last question. "Why?"

"Because I don't like sharing personal matters with my enemies!" he snapped. He was already frustrated with this situation enough. He could have lied and said no, but he didn't want you to hear about it somehow and get the wrong idea. The last thing Loki wanted or needed was you thinking he was ashamed of you.  
  
"Does she know sign language?" Natasha decided a subject change would probably be best. "I haven't seen her use it since I've been here and since they, um..." She chose to let that sentence trail and speak for itself.

"She does, as do I, but I speak with her telepathically. I found it was easier for her to communicate with me that way."

"Wait, you two talk to each other through your mind?"

"Yes, however, I only do so when the conversation needs to be private or much like last night. She told me exactly where she thought she was and based on your descriptions, I put two and two together."

"That's kind of amazing." Natasha had to admit. "I'm sure it makes her feel safe, to know you can always hear her."

"I suppose, maybe." Loki shrugged it off as if this part of the conversation wasn't a big deal. Natasha didn't need to know everything and he already hated the fact that she could recognize you as a weakness of his, even if the thought hadn't fully crossed her subconscious yet.

"Can you not heal her? I mean, I don't know anything about magic, but isn't there healing magic?"

"There is healing magic, yes. Perhaps, if I had found her at the time of the injury I could have healed her vocal cords, but after years... They have already healed on their own, so there isn't anything more I can do. Believe me, I've tried." he told her sadly. All that magic, and it was absolutely worthless when it came to healing you. Magic couldn't fix this, not this time.

"So they did that early on?" she concluded.

"Yes. Shortly after she arrived." 

"How long was she there?" Natasha asked carefully, almost afraid of the answer, but couldn't stop herself from asking anyway. 

"Since she was twelve. Sometime later I learned they were to discard of her because she had gotten too old." he hissed, barely getting the words out of his mouth. "She had just turned eighteen when I found her."

 _"Jesus_." Natasha had known it was going to be bad, but being prepared still didn't help her process it any easier. 

"They stole her on her way to school. She'd been there ever since. They abused her sexually, physically, and mentally; in every way possible they tried to break her." At that Natasha physically flinched. "I learned some time ago, you understand what it's like to be unmade."

"I do." Natasha's situation was different but in some ways the same. She could comprehend enough to understand what you were going through, though, she still didn't understand everything. She couldn't imagine living through years of something like that. You were a lot stronger than she realized. Then she had a sudden, horrible realization. "And we just made it ten times worse by taking her last night, didn't we?"

"Yes. Her nightmares, her attack today. Your fault." He wasn't going to sugarcoat it. Loki wanted her to know exactly how much The Avengers had screwed up. "I can understand why you all would be concerned, but damn did you not screw up everything."

"I would say I'm sorry, but we both know that isn't going to fix this."

"You would be correct."

They both sat quietly for a while before Natasha spoke up. "Why did you save her?"

Loki wasn't taken aback by the question, even expected it, but it didn't make it any easier to answer when it came down to it. "Because." Well, that was short and sweet. 

"Because why?" she pressed. "Last time I saw you, you tried to conquer our planet. You brought in an alien army and killed hundreds of people, so excuse me for being curious as to know why. Why her? You could have called someone. You took her for a reason and I want to know what that reason is. _I need to know._ This is...a strange situation. I just want to be one hundred percent sure."

"Sure of what, exactly?" He glared at her, daring her to say it. 

"That your intentions are for her and not yourself. What do you gain taking care of her?" And she said it. 

"Nothing," he growled, narrowing his eyes towards the assassin. "I get nothing. I understand what it's like to be unmade too, _assassin_. I understand torture, that is why I took her. Perhaps if someone would have come for me, things may have been different!" Loki stood up abruptly, making Natasha jump a little. "But then again, if it hadn't have been me to come to Midgard you wouldn't be here. This place you call home would not exist."

Natasha glared at him, "What do you mean if it hadn't been you to come?"

"What I mean is that there are bigger and worse things out there than me. Be thankful it was me and not him." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he regretted it.

"Who?" Loki pursed his lips together. Dammit, he'd let his anger get in the way and said too much already. "Who?" she repeated more sternly when she put together Loki wasn't going to share this secret so easily. "Did he force you to come here, to attack us? Is that what you are saying?"

Loki shook his head. "It matters not. Your realm is safe for now."

"Why are you avoiding the question?" Natasha stood, trying to read the dark god, but much like her, he was skilled in hiding what he was feeling. "Did he force you? You just said you understood torture. Is that why you attacked us?"

"This conversation is over." 

Natasha didn't argue when Loki left the room. He would be back, and he would tell her what she wanted to know. One way or the other she would get it out of him, but for now she would wait on the couch and mindlessly watch the TV.

As she sat there, she realized there was a lot more to Loki than what they thought they knew, and maybe not everything was as black and white as it seemed. While most people may not have believed Loki's confessions... 

She did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This shit is always ten times better in my mind than on paper, or well AO3 in this case...  
> Ugh, it's so frustrating! lol


	5. Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You ask Natasha for some advice regarding a certain God of Mischief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay on this fic.  
> I was seriously stuck on what to do next.

It had been three days since the woman, whom you came to know as Tasha, entered your life. You found she wasn't so bad and she was actually kind of fun to be around. You showed her how to communicate through the computer using a Private Instant Messaging program so you two could talk to one another. You found out she did not know sign language, so this had been the next best option and you somehow convinced Loki to get her a laptop. He had been skeptical of her at first, but the more at ease you became with her the more he did. Although there was still some unspoken resentment between the two of them, you decided to just stay out of it. 

When it became apparent the woman wasn't leaving anytime soon, Loki conjured her a bed in the empty room. However, he made it a point to complain and groan about it the entire time, and you knew he was only doing it to make you happy. He may have also been tired of running into Natasha in the living room every morning first thing too. Probably a bit of both. But you enjoyed her company and he realized that, so for you he tolerated her.

 

It was going on the second week and you were trying to talk Loki into leaving you and Tasha home alone so that he could have a break. So far, everything had been fine. No more dreams or attacks since The Avengers and you knew damn well, Loki needed to get out or he was going to go insane. 

_'Loki, please. I'll be fine. You need time to yourself to do.... Whatever it is that you do when I'm not around.'_

"I don't like this." Loki shook his head. "No, absolutely not. I don't trust her."

_'She won't hurt me.'_

"No, but she could very well take you back to The Avengers." Loki snapped, then took a deep breath in an attempt to keep his voice neutral. "I won't risk it."

_'Loki, Tasha knows better than to take me back there. She knows I need you, and I do, but baby, you need to do things for yourself. You've got to live a little. I worry about you.'_

"I'm perfectly content here with you, love." He cupped your chin and pulled you closer toward his face. "I do not wish to be away from you." 

_'Loki...'_

"No more arguments." He told you firmly before planting a soft kiss on your lips. 

Well, dammit. It was really hard to argue with him when he was off distracting you with sweet kisses. Speaking of... If he didn't want to go out, then you knew exactly what you two needed to do, or be doing. The wait was becoming unbearable. You wanted to experience this with him so badly. You refused to wait any longer. If not now, then when?

_'Fine then, but if you stay, I want to have sex.'_

Loki froze and pulled his head back. "What?"

_'You heard me.'_

"Darling, I am not so sure you are ready for that."

_'How would you know?'_

Loki sighed and wrapped his arms around your waist to rest his forehead against yours. "I don't want to rush you. I don't want to scare you or hurt you. What if I do?"

_'You won't.'_

Loki seemed to be contemplating, but to your disappointment, he didn't respond in the way you had hoped. "On second thought, perhaps I should go out for a while." 

 

After Loki left you resorted to sulking in your room. You felt hurt, confused, and even a little angry. Why wouldn't he have sex with you? You didn't get it. Men liked sex, right? And you two had done other things. As much as the topic embarrassed you, you needed some advice. So, you asked the only person you could think of to ask. 

 

Natasha was sitting on her bed and chatting with Clint on her cellphone when she got your message. "Yeah, everything is fine here. I'll probably leave in a few days. I hate to say it, but she needs to stay here. No- don't tell Fury. Just pretend like it doesn't exist. Yeah. We never found him. Oh, gotta go. She's messaging me now and Loki's gone. Yeah. Okay. You too, bye."

She hung up, threw down the phone, and clicked open your message. 

 

_8:00 pm- I need some advice and I don't know who else to ask._

_8:01 pm- You know you can ask me anything._

 

You pause. Should you even bring this up? I mean.... It was kind of awkward. 

_8:02- It's really awkward and personal..._

_8:02- It's fine, really. What is it?_

 

Okay, so this was it. 

_8:03- Um, so.... Loki won't have sex with me and I can't figure out why._

 

Natasha almost choked on the drink of soda she had been taking when she got your message. Wow, okay, so that was totally unexpected. Apparently, she had been staring at the screen for too long because you had already replied back.

 

_8:05- Sorry, I told you it was personal._

_8:05- No, it's fine. I was just surprised, that's all._

 

Yeah, seriously surprised.

She quickly typed another reply back. 

 

_8:06- So, uh, have you two ever... Done it?_

This was so awkward. 

_8:06- No._

 

Damn. Natasha was a bit floored by that.

_8:06- Why?_

Shit, she typed that out before she had a chance to stop herself. 

 

_8:07- I wasn't comfortable._

Wow. Loki surprised her more every day. 

8:07- _That's... Nice. He really cares for you._

_8:07- I know he does. I care for him too. I love him._

 

Natasha already knew that. And she'd also seen enough and heard enough to know Loki loved you just as much, and would do anything and everything to protect you. She also knew that he hated that she knew that. She understood why, but Natasha would never use you against him. Not now. Not ever.

_8:08- But now you're ready to take that step, and he turned you down?_

Natasha also knew what was probably going through Loki's head. 

_8:08- Yes._

 

_8:09- I think he's afraid he'll hurt you, or scare you. That's a big step. Have you ever had... Sex?_

_8:09- No. Not... Willingly, at least._

Natasha wanted to turn this around before it got in too deep and upset you.

_8:09- Just give it time. He wants you, he just doesn't want to lose you in the process._

 

That made sense. 

_8:10- I get it. It's just frustrating because he wasn't up for going out until I brought it up. Are you sure he wants me?_

_8:10- Yes. I'm sure. He's afraid, but he definitely wants you._

 

The way he looked at you made that perfectly clear to Natasha, but he was also careful with you. But, she also realized if he was too careful, he may end up pushing you away in the process of trying to be overly protective. 

 

_8:10- Try talking to him again, but just make sure it's what you really want._

_8:10- It is, and thank you. I think I'm going to just read and then go to bed. I appreciate you being here. Loki needs time away, no matter what he says._

_8:11- All men do. :) Okay, but if you need me, I'm here._

_8:11- I know.  
_

 

When Loki arrived home, Natasha was waiting for him in the living room. Normally, she scowled at him or used the infamous resting-bitch-face, but tonight she was looking at him differently. There was no resentment, no anger. It almost looked like... Regret? Guilt?

"I misjudged you in a lot of ways, Loki." The redhead spoke softly while he managed to do nothing but stand there and gawk at her. What had brought this on? "I know you're afraid that we'll use her against you." His breathing hitched. "But I swear we won't. I wouldn't allow it. She is safe. I just wanted you to know that."

"Is that so, and why should I believe you?" Why wouldn't they use you against him? It would be the most logical and obvious choice.

"Because I know what you mean to her, what she means to you. I know she needs you and it would be cruel to take her away from you, not to mention traumatizing." There was a pause. "Don't push her away." Loki cocked a brow. What did she mean? "Listen to what she says, what she wants. She isn't as breakable as you may think. She's a hell of a lot stronger than most people that haven't been through even half of what she has."

"When have I ever pushed her away?"

Natasha didn't answer him, only gave a small smile before she stood up and turned toward the direction of her room, but just as she went to disappear out of sight, she stopped and looked back over her shoulder at him. He was still standing in the same spot, just as confused as he was thirty seconds ago.

"I forgive you, Loki. I know now that it wasn't your fault. You may not ever admit to it, and that's fine, but we both know I'm not one to miss details, so, it wasn't hard to put it all together."

Loki swallowed and gave a short nod. He really wasn't sure what to say to that. He finally decided he would just ask her why she would forgive him for such a thing, but he hadn't noticed he had dropped his head and was staring at the floor the entire time he was contemplating on what to say, so when he looked up it was just as he had suspected- Natasha was already gone. 


	6. Love and Insecurities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry!
> 
> I've had horrible writer's block (for all my fics!)  
> I hope not to take as long for the next update, and I am also attempting to get updates for everything else- soonish. 
> 
> So I apologize. 
> 
> And thank you all SO much for your wonderful feedback on this Fic. I hope I continue to do it justice.

After a few more days of observation, Natasha decided it was finally time for her to leave and seeing that you were perfectly safe and sound with Loki, she had no issues in doing so. She gave you a hug goodbye, along with her cell phone number and a promise to call her if you ever needed anything, and stay in touch.

It didn't take very long to notice how the tension between Natasha and Loki had eased to almost nothing and it had been that way ever since the night Loki left the two of you alone while he went out. You weren't sure what happened, or why, but you couldn't help but feel relieved. Maybe if you wished hard enough, the two of them would become 'friends?' You weren't going to hold your breath on that one, but it was wishful thinking. 

Things were starting to get back to the way they were before The Avengers showed up and it was peaceful, just you and Loki. He'd been a little distant with Natasha hanging around, not much but enough that you noticed, so it was nice to finally be alone again.

After Natasha left the two of you spent the remainder of the day in the garden, where Loki read you stories; more so lore, from a book that he'd brought with him from Asgard, while you laid your head on his lap closing your eyes as he lazily stroked your hair.

You loved to listen to Loki read-or talk in general- with a voice made of silk and honey, and comforting in ways that you could not explain. When angry, his voice was intimidating and pretty damn frightening for whoever was on the receiving end, but you also found it incredibly sexy- at least when he was mad at someone else- if he were to get angry with you... Well, you weren't sure how you would take that. 

Probably not very well at all.

Loki had never been angry with you. Annoyed, yes. Frustrated, definitely. But angry? Never. And if he ever had been, he'd hidden it well. You'd never been truly mad at him either. You were sure it would happen eventually, no one was perfect, and Loki had explained to you a while ago that arguments were to be expected, even considered healthy to a degree, that it would _eventually_ happen. It hadn't, so far, but it was hard to argue over something when you had nothing to argue about.

Well, unless you count the TV remote. 

 

 _'Loki! I am so sick of watching the news. Can't we watch a movie or something?'_ You whimpered, glaring at him and gripping the remote a little tighter, you give it a tug- where it remained in Loki's hand- completely unphased at your attempts to steal it. Ignoring you, Loki continued to sit and stare at the TV for several more minutes while you groaned and pulled on the remote until your hand was aching. Glancing at you out of the corner of his eye Loki let out a snort of laughter before covering it up as quickly as he could with a smile; a smile that reached his eyes.

He was enjoying this too much, you realized. 

You scowl at him and Loki chuckled,  "Sorry, pet. I couldn't resist. You're just so cute when you struggle." He teased, finally letting go of the remote so that you could watch something that wasn't the news. You hated the news. Too depressing. "What do you desire to watch, sweetness?" 

You smile at him before focusing on the TV, pushing the fancy button that said NETFLIX, and scrolled through until you found the movie you wanted. _The Nightmare Before Christmas._ It was one of your favorite movies, having been since Loki introduce you to it two years ago; it was also one of his favorites as well- for a Midgardian film that is. You were pretty sure that he was mostly just intrigued by Tim Burton and his style. Loki had always, and you assumed would always, be more drawn to the darkness. The darkness suited him, you'd always thought that.

When the movie began Loki adjusted himself more comfortably, sprawling out on the couch and taking your hand to urge you to sit on his lap. With your back braced against his chest and positioned to sit between his legs- that were entwined around yours- you let out a sigh of contentment. There was nothing better than Loki cuddles. Well, perhaps there was one thing that _could_ be better than cuddles. Loki sex. Loki sex could possibly, definitely, be better than Loki cuddles. You just hoped to experience that with him eventually. After thinking about what Natasha said it made sense why he was so hesitant to connect with you that way. Given your circumstances, you were surprised you wanted to try having sex at all, but you loved Loki and wished to bond with him in the most intimate manner that you could. If something happened and you hated sex, you were sure Loki would never pressure you to do it again. But seeing as you enjoyed all of the other sexual things you two had done together, you found it highly unlikely you would hate sex. You don't see how you could hate anything where Loki was involved. 

 

It was almost eleven when you decided to retire to bed. Loki was currently on the rooftop picking various (hidden) herbs that he'd planted along with the flowers, used to create potions as needed. You had no idea what the potions were used/made for, or what they did, or even what the hell he did with them all afterward because he never kept them in the apartment, at least nowhere that you could _physically_ see since you had never found them.

You guessed he stored them in his magical pocket of neverending storage, as he did everything else. 

Jumping in for a quick shower, you wash everything except your hair- that you'd pinned up- deciding that you'll get up in the morning and wash it instead of sleeping with wet hair like you usually did. As you're brushing your teeth you hear Loki walk into the bedroom before joining you in the bathroom, situating himself at his sink (there were two- his and hers) and began brushing his own teeth. He claimed it wasn't necessary to do so being Aesir, but he enjoyed it nonetheless, claiming he felt content to just simply stand beside you to perform a task such as brushing his teeth. It was something simple and mundane and although you were used to a more domesticated Loki, Natasha had pointed out that she had never witnessed Loki act so... Normal; human. He continued to cook, clean, and take care of you the same way he always did (mostly) while Natasha hung around watching his every move. You realize that it probably made Loki uncomfortable having his 'previous' enemy gawking at him, especially since Loki had threatened her during his attempt to take over the world.

And now, here he was, playing house. 

He'd told you the story- at least his version- of when he _intentionally_ failed to conquer Earth stating that if it had been _his_ plan, or even  _his_ desire to take over the planet he could have and would have won.

Easily.

He explained that he had no desire to rule Midgard and his only goal was to leave Sanctuary (a planet that he will barely speak of) and how taking over Midgard was his only option, so he'd taken it. To get out. 

That, you believed- That Midgard was his only means of escape.

_Escape._

He'd never used that term, but you knew there was more to the story that he wasn't telling you. There was something about that place and the way Loki would clench his jaw when he spoke (very briefly) about his time there, or how he'd space out in the middle of the conversation at times with nothing but a mix of anger and pain written across his face, while you pretend not to notice his slip, wondering if Loki was even aware that his mask had fallen.  _What happened to him?_  - The million dollar question; a question that you may or may not ever get an answer to. That was entirely up to Loki.

 

It had never occurred to you until this moment, what exactly Loki might be doing if he had never met you because you seriously doubted that he would be living in a two bedroom apartment on Midgard because he wanted too. 

Spooned against Loki with his arms wrapped around your waist, you found yourself unable to sleep, feeling anxious, and wondering over and over again if Loki truly was happy living like this- with you, a confined mortal. You could barely leave the house without panicking and that made you depressed, but mostly angry. Scolding yourself internally for not being stronger and wishing that you could just be normal only to be reminded daily just how utterly, and truly broken you really were, and with absolutely no guarantee that you will ever get past the trauma you've endured. 

Never once had Loki complained about anything. 

Not about the nightmares.

The anxiety.

The fear.

The panic attacks. 

Being mute as well as borderline Agoraphobic. 

All of these things, these broken pieces of you and yet, Loki was still here.

 

"Baby, are you alright?" Loki mumbled against the back of your neck. 

_Damnit._

You already knew that you couldn't hide anything from Loki, but still, you nod in hopes that he'll believe you anyway while attempting to ignore all the insecurities screaming inside of your head. You knew that it was stupid, that it was nothing to worry over because if Loki didn't want to be here, he wouldn't be here. Yet, you couldn't get rid of the doubt, or the thoughts that came with them. Loki removed his hold around you and sat up waiting for you to do the same, but you were too embarrassed to look at him, not to mention ashamed with your own mind and how it was currently twisting the truth.

_'I'm fine.'_

You don't make a move to get up or roll over. Instead, you focus on the bedroom wall in front of you in hopes that it will be enough to distract yourself from Loki's penetrating gaze- that you could literally feel all over your body without ever having to look at him- and hoping he would drop the subject quickly. 

No such luck.

"You're lying." He stated matter-of-factly. His tone held no anger or judgment, only worry. Gently, Loki coaxed you into rolling over to face him, but you keep your eyes cast down, focusing on anything but those beautiful emerald eyes of his. _Look into his eyes and you are done for!_

He whisperers your name, almost in a plea. "Please."

_'It's just my own mind, it's nothing.'_

"Oh, but it's something. I can literally feel the anxiety and worry pouring off of you. What's happened since we went to bed to upset you so badly? How is your mind betraying you?"

You didn't want to answer, you really didn't want too, but you knew Loki was not going to let this go until you told him what was wrong. Swallowing, you finally meet his eyes. _'Are you happy?'_

"What?-"

_'...With me?'_

Loki blinked, obviously taken aback by the question. "Of course I am happy with you."

 _'Are you? Are you happy, here with the broken girl who can't hold herself together, locked away in this apartment all the time?- and can only go as far as the gardens and no further without the risk of panicking-_ _You always have to take care of me, do this, do that- I'm a burden.  I feel like I don't give you enough back. You should be on Asgard or wherever, doing Mage things, not sitting here rotting away in a two bedroom apartment on Earth...'_

"Stop that, right now!" Loki snapped, anger now apparent in his tone, causing you to wince and break eye contact. Taking your arm Loki forced you to sit up. The hold he had on your arm was rougher than usual, though it didn't hurt; forceful would perhaps be a better description. Still, you didn't want to face him.

"Look at me!" Your eyes go wide and you obey without question. "Never think of yourself like that again! _Ever._ "

Yeah, he was definitely pissed.

"You are nothing of the sort for I do not take on burdens, for any reason. You, my love, are _not_ broken. Damaged perhaps, but my darling girl you are far from broken. I have _seen_ broken. You are not one of them. 

As for Asgard, I can never go back, a fate I accepted a long time ago, and being a Mage can be done anywhere." Loki took a deep breath and licked his lips, his tone much softer and gentler now. "I am happy here with you, whether it be in this apartment or the garden, I care not where I am as long as I have you by my side. I protect you and take care of you because I choose too, because I want too, because... Because _I love you._ " 

Your heart skipped a beat. It isn't like you didn't already know that Loki loved you, but to actually hear him say the words brought tears to your eyes.

_'I love you too, Loki. And I'm sorry. My mind is my own worse enemy.'_

"It's alright darling, but please- never doubt my love for you." He leaned in to connect his lips with yours giving you a very soft and sensual kiss. It stayed that way for a few minutes- soft and slow- until you felt Loki's tongue sliding across your lips, looking for access. Immediately you open your mouth and allow him to deepen the kiss. A kiss that would have brought you to your knees had you been standing. Feeling a little lightheaded you decide to lie down, pulling Loki down with you and settling between your legs. Already you could feel the familiar warmth beginning to stir in your lower body, something that happened. Every. Time. He. Touched. You. 

The kiss the two of you shared became more urgent, more passionate, for every second that ticked by. You sink your fingers into his beautiful raven hair and he cupped your face with both hands before breaking the kiss, breathing just as heavily as you were and staring deep into your eyes as he spoke, "You remember what you asked me the other day, about what you wanted to do... With me?" 

Your breathing came to a halt. Eagerly you nod and pray that the words you just heard were real; that this wasn't a dream. 

"You truly wish to be intimate with me, give yourself to me?" You nod again, feeling the hot, wet tears beginning to stain your cheeks. Loki smiles and wipes them away before giving you another heart-stopping kiss. "Then, I shall make you wait no longer," he whispered against your lips. "But promise me, if you change your mind- no matter what we are doing or how far we've gone- think it, and I will stop immediately. Do you understand?"

_'Yes, Loki. I understand.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone happens to notice that I used her/she instead of you, let me know. xD  
> Where I switch POV in my fics, I fuck up. xD
> 
> I think I caught em all.


	7. An act of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  _Loki makes love to you for the first time._   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s short, it was all that wanted to come out.

Loki’s face was pressed firmly between your thighs sucking on that sensitive bundle of nerves, while simultaneously plunging two fingers back and forth inside you. You whimper and squirm beneath him, and a wanton moan escaped your lips when Loki curled his fingers. Again and again, he built you up to the brink of release only to pull back, and begin again. Before long, you were dripping wet and desperate for release. 

_'I want you to take me when I come.’_

You weren’t sure what had come over you at that moment - maybe you were going mad with desire or maybe it was because you couldn’t think straight - you didn't know. What you did know, was that _you wanted this._

_'Are you sure? I will do anything you ask, but I need to be sure that it's what you want.'_

_'Yes, Loki. I'm sure, I want this.'_

_'Alright, baby. But promise me, if it becomes too much and you want to stop, tell me, and I’ll stop.’_

_'I promise._  
  
_......Loki?'_

_'Hmm?'_

_'I trust you.'_

_'...I know you do.'_

The pressure in the pit of your stomach was slowly building again. As you're about to climax, he doesn't pull back this time. Instead, he continually changed his patterns and kept you dangling on the edge. 

 _SO CLOSE_.

How he kept you on the brink without tumbling over was beyond your comprehension. All it would take is one wrong move - the wrong lick, the wrong stroke, the wrong application of pressure - and you would go spiraling off the edge.

' _That's it, baby. Just let it build.'_

Sobbing and panting, the heat inside you rises, spreading throughout your entire body. Muscles tightening, thighs quivering, heavy breathing. Wave after wave of pleasure flowing through your body. 

_'You want to come so badly, don’t you?’_

_‘Yes, please! Please, Loki!'_ You nod frantically, virtually screaming at him in your mind and nearly driven mad with arousal.

_‘Then come for me, sweet girl. Come undone against my mouth, let me feel you clench around my fingers.'_

Even telepathically, Loki's voice was _pure sex_.

Ceasing his teasing, he was now a man on a mission and it took little to nothing to set you off, your orgasm hitting you so hard, you see stars. If you hadn't been so absorbed in the pleasure, the needy and desperate sounds that you were involuntarily making might have been embarrassing. 

Arching your back, you dig your fingers into the bed sheets, and at the same moment, Loki slides himself up your body, bracing one hand on the bed for support and withdrawing the hand between your legs, quickly positioning his manhood against your entrance. His dark, lust filled gaze locked with yours. Releasing himself, he gripped your waist and just as you start contracting inwards Loki sunk himself inside of you, moaning blissfully as he did.

You gasp at the invasion, drawing a shuddering breath. Rocking back and forth against you with short thrusts Loki eased himself deeper inside of you. You moan, still feeling yourself contracting around him - the slow pace dragging out your release - and once he was completely sheathed within you, halted all movement.

For several moments, it felt as if time had stopped - nothing else mattered - there was only you, and Loki. 

Releasing the sheets you take hold of his shoulders for support. Securing your leg beneath the knee Loki pulled it up until your inner thigh pressed against his hip. Claiming your mouth with his own he kissed you deeply, longingly. He urged your lips apart and slipped his tongue into your mouth and then, ever so slowly, he started to move within you with long, drawn-out thrusts. 

The sensation that coursed through your body with every thrust went beyond anything you’d ever felt before. The pleasure was indescribable; transcendental.

Even the sound of his breathing was erotic and you moan into his mouth closing your eyes as he kissed you. Pulling away, he gave you a moment to catch your breath and ran his lips along your jawline before resting his forehead against your own.

“Look at me," Loki whispered, so softly and so sweetly, you almost didn't hear him. You open your eyes to find him staring back at you. "Are you okay?" His voice wavered, and you nod, trailing both hands down and around his waist, whimpering, urging him to move faster, harder - anything to increase the build of pressure in your lower stomach.

Sensing your distress, his movements intensify, and before long your nails dig into his lower back. Your climax was sudden and unexpected, curling your toes and tearing a silent scream from your lungs. Loki's thrusts never faltered, prolonging your pleasure and chanting softly against your lips, but before you can question him about it, his movements and breathing become more erratic. Groaning, Loki stiffened and emptied himself inside of you.

The feeling of connecting, of bonding, so intimately with him left you unable to articulate your feelings, ambushed by intense emotions you didn't understand and staining your cheeks with fresh tears. Loki frowned, wiping them away and you quickly let him know that you're okay.

 _'No, Loki. Please don't look so sad - these are happy tears, I promise. I'm just emotional and a bit overwhelmed, but mostly I'm crying because_ _I love you.'_

More tears fall and your eyelids grow heavy.

He kissed you. "And I love you," Loki murmured against your lips.  _"My love, my light, my life - my everything_."

Exhausted and completely spent, you fall asleep in Loki's arms. 

 

The next morning you wake up to Loki's warm body firmly pressed against you, his arm wrapped possessively around your waist. You remain still, not wanting to wake him, and reflect back on last night's events. How tenderly he made love to you, and how you lost yourself as he distracted you to the point you'd forgotten to be afraid. There was no fear, no doubt, only love, and pleasure, the feeling of his body connecting with your own and the wave of emotions it brought along with it.  
  
Sex wasn't anything like you remembered, but then again, this was the also first time making love and giving yourself to a person willingly, so really, you couldn't compare the two. Still, not once last night did your past cross your mind, which in itself was major progress. If anything, the experience should have been a lot harder, but perhaps the fact that you were so comfortable showed just how much you loved and trusted the man beside you. 

"Good morning, sweet girl," Loki said softly and you roll over to face him, his arm still tightly wrapped around you.

You smile. _'Morning.'_

"How are you feeling?"

_'Good, a little sore, but good.'_

He kissed your lips and whispered, "Was making love everything that you'd hoped it to be?"

 _'Everything and more.'_   You reply honestly.  _'I loved it, and I can't wait to share the experience with you again.'_

"Is that right?" Loki purred and kissed you deeper, sending jolts of electricity directly down to your core. "Perhaps once you're not as sore, I can make good on that request."

_'Yes, please.'_

   
_'Oh yeah. What the heck were you chanting last night?'_ You ask a few minutes later. You had forgotten about that little detail until now. 

"It was to prevent pregnancy. You are not currently on birth control and we didn't use a condom so I used a spell. I figured neither one of us is ready for that.” 

_'Oh shit! Yeah - Good! Because I never even considered the possibility of... that.'_

"I know, but I did, and I took care of you as I will always take care of you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. It's been months, but seriously! - I have been working on this chapter (writing and rewriting until I want to scream) since October - it's like I forgot how to write. I really hope this writer's block passes soon because I would love to update **all** of my stories.  
>  I really wanted their first time to be **_perfect and beautiful._** Hopefully, I accomplished that - at least, a little.  
>  Also, if you got a notification for this chapter and then it was gone, my bad. I meant to post without saving and ended up clicking the wrong button, not paying attention - Whoops! - Hopefully, no one saw that.  
>  **SIDENOTE:**  
>  My mom has also been really sick and I received bad news today - they are placing her in hospice - so if I disappear again, know that I will be back and I promise that I will not leave any of my stories unfinished.


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